Two Recent Books to Help You Navigate Challenging Interactions
Supercommunicators and Misbelief as guides to engaging with misinformation
I recently read two books that were timely and -- surprisingly-- connected.
Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg is a book about people who communicate particularly well and how you can be better at this yourself. Misbelief, by Dan Ariely, is an exploration of why rational people fall into a funnel of misbelief, adopting world views that don’t seem fact-based. These books share some themes and are complementary. Misbelief explores why unsubstantiated ideas can be sticky. Supercommunicators hits the problem from the other direction with advice on how best to create and maintain channels of communication.
In Supercommunicators, Duhigg explains that the first step in having a good conversation is to have the same kind of conversation. If you’ve ever had a friend or partner come to you with a problem only to have your attempts at problem-solving rebuffed (or if you have seen this video you’ve experienced the importance of understanding this.
Duhig described the kinds of conversations as:
“What’s this really about?” (decision making: The person wants to be Helped),
“How do we feel?” (emotions: The person wants to be Hugged), and
“Who are we?” (identity: the person wants to be Heard).
Sometimes, it’s obvious which conversation to have, but much of the time, you are better off asking. The Helped/Hugged/Heard mnemonic was easy to keep in mind,
Duhigg tells us that good communication, regardless of the format -- in person or online --, has some things in common. To be successful, you need to connect with the person you are talking to. Sometimes, that means listening (and conveying that you are listening); sometimes, that means sharing something about yourself while not taking over the conversation. By being open, you make yourself vulnerable, creating a dynamic that encourages others to share.
In Misbelief, Ariely explains how Misbelief, which he describes as “a distorted lens through which people begin to view the world, reason about the world, and then describe the world to others. Misbelief is also a process—a kind of funnel that pulls people deeper and deeper, and it is often tied up in emotions and identity more than facts. This explains why no amount of data might get someone to change their mind about something like vaccines or politics. Rebutting a statement with facts means that you are having a different conversation than the person you might be trying to influence, resulting in wasted effort. To influence people who deeply hold misbeliefs, you often need to start with a conversation that centers around emotion or identity and seeks to explore why the person holds those beliefs. Once you’ve connected on that level, the other person might be more willing to evaluate your facts.
If how to have better conversations around charged topics is something that interests you, I think both books are worth reading (though if you only had time for one, I’d suggest starting with Supercommunicators). Some of the insights I took away from these books are:
Always check in to see if you are having the same kind of conversation. In particular, when you are tempted to rebut incorrect facts, try to connect on one of the other levels (Identity or emotion)
Identity matters and we each have multiple identities. This means avoiding making generalizations about someone if your goal is to influence them, as doing so makes you seem closed-minded.
Related to identity, excluding people who hold “crazy” beliefs from your circle can deepen their beliefs as they seek connection among others who share those ideas.
We’re all subject to Misbelief, and emotion plays a large part in causing people to seek simple solutions, even if they are objectively wrong, so it’s good to check in with ourselves.
These insights can be hard to put into practice. Some of these conversations can be long and exhausting, and not everyone has the emotional energy to sustain them. And some people may well be past persuasion. It can be very tempting to write off people who hold an offensive belief, regardless of what else they might bring to your life or community. Sometimes, letting go and excluding are the right answers for someone, but it’s worth keeping in mind:
What your goal is.
What you can handle.
Why you are making a decision about how to treat a person.
If you find yourself engaging in challenging conversations -- in person or online, with friends, family, or others who happen you cross your path, Misbelief and Supercomminicators can give you some tools to better navigate the conversations and your feelings about them